Three words for you. Treat. Yo. Self.

Keep the tears in your eyes where they belong

You can’t make art, because you ARE art. You’re beautiful

Holy hell, that’s a lot of alcohol…We will take 4 bottles. Please and thank you.

I’m a little bit surprised because I didn’t think angels could fly so low

What’s gonna happen? A vegan is gonna physically attack me? They’re basically made of glass

I love being a father but there are a few things I miss. Silence. The absence of noise. One single moment undisturbed by the sounds of a children’s tv program called Doc McStuffin

He’s like a skinny little rubberband that’s about to snap in half

The three most useless jobs in the world are, in order, lawyer, congressman, and doctor

When they say 2% milk, I don’t know what the other 98% is

Yea, I wanted to see what your face would look like when I said, “No”…it was totally worth it

Clothes (treat yo self). Frangrances (treat yo self). Massages (treat yo self). Mimosas (treat yo self). Fine leather goods (treat yo self)

How much postage does it take to send a letter to Canada? (Who’s it going to) Canada! It says, “Dear Canada f*ck you!”

Oh babe you had a crush on me. That’s embarrasing. (We’re married)…Still!

I’ve eaten a lot of food in a lot of restaurants. Why is everyone else so bad at eating